i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Every concussion has its silver lining
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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