Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
