I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
