Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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