I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
