3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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