so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Found the puke drawer
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
