I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Your cock deserves a montage
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
