I showed him my bush... on skype.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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