i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
