so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing