dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
