you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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