i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
do nipples grow back?
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