Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Someone signed my nipple.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
