im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
