She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The best revenge is premature balding
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
