Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
