I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
