My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
