That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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