Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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