I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
