that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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