is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
