i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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