All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
