I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
