So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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