I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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