I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
