is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
