Already got asked if we're dating
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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