That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
