Don't make out with my wife yet
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize