my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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