I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My bed smells like the plague
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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