I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
