Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
