I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.