im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
