Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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