Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
