The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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