I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
