Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
