very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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