glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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