I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
