Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
