you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
