I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
