peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
