hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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