The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
