And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All the doctor said was why
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
