I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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