I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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