I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
